Live.laugh.love

It’s taking me a long way to be where I am today. I can say I know I didn’t deserve to go through what I’ve gone through but they were lessons and I forgive myself and others. I could have said things and things could have been better. I could have stopped letting everyone else’s problems be mine. But I did because I cared more deeply than most. I feel more than others and I can pick up certain things more than others can. That’s why it was so hard to separate it all. I feel deep.. and I get attached. But you matter too. Your feelings. Your thoughts. What you want for your life. Not what others want for you or what they want. You need to dream.. and make them come true. You have all that you can to get there you just have to go for it.

I understand it all now and spirit keep opening my eyes more and more. Little by little. Piece by piece. Like I heard that back then that they just wanted me so they can get a new car. I thought I would be nice and go half on the lease because we needed a car.. a better car.. so I did. And I thought it would be okay because she was taking me places… but in the end it just blew up in my face because deep down she seen that as hers and when ever I needed a ride she would kind get irritated… or say it’s ok ask if I need to go but proceed to kind of make a deal out of it… by her actions… her body language… or always find some excuse why she couldn’t take me to work or some shit…. Like umm ok? Why is it a problem I am paying half on car…. And then all of a sudden she lost it because it broke and weeks before I stopped paying half because I really felt like I was being used. It was hers all along it felt.. every one says that actions speak louder than words… sooo when she got another car and I wasn’t paying on it…. She was fine with taking me place but I knew it was going to back fire on me so I never asked her for rides anywhere. Because at the end of the day it was all my fault. I should have had my license and that was a huge problem but I thought getting this new vehicle she would help me with my driving come to find out 3 years later she just said that she was scared and didn’t wanna drive with me… and I wasn’t that bad a of a driver I just needed practice.. I almost feel like she didn’t want to grow and level up in life… that’s how I felt. Maybe I was wrong but that’s the vibe I get. Granted I was bad. I spoke about her at work but she wouldn’t stop being that way and I had to vent. I should have left and did what I did.

Not wasn’t even that… there’s more. She never took the time to see that I was buying a lot of nassetites for the house…. All the time…. Then I started putting my stuff in my room and then she asked to use it and I ignored her. I could have said no but idk… then she came back and said well I got this for both us to use. Ok, great but what about all the other stuff I have bought for us and you never thought to buy it as well when it ran out? I was always replacing almost everything and all she bought were damn QTips not to mention that she felt like i was leaving so she the bought me more soap… then proceeded to ask me if i was moving out…like that one thing of soap was going to change everything. I know the cycle… I was not going to live in that shit. That’s how i seen it all. But idk how she found out we were leaving when I had just found out myself… she’s like how can you do this to me… how could you not have told me… I’m just like we just found out we really weren’t looking…

But again, every thing is kind of my fault and she is victim to everything… lmao. Like no girl. You had your role you played in it. You can’t put it all on me your actions are what pushed me away because it realized it was all about you. And I wasn’t vibing that way. I was done living my life through someone else.. and only doing things when they wanted to or go where ever they wanted too. Yea, very few times we went where I wanted to go. I went to see your mom with you and everything. It’s like I was a decoy so that your family thinks you are a lot better than you were before.. hey, maybe.. idk but everything was fishy…. And your gonna sit back and make me look like that bad guy in all of this when it seems like you planned all of this from the beginning like you never used me.. get outta here…

Stop the fucking films because I only reacted to how you made me feel. I only told people how you made me feel about your actions because you wouldn’t stop… go ahead and react on that and make it seem like you didn’t push me to that point. It may have seemed like I was trying to bully you but I wasn’t I was simply telling people my truth. Maybe the wrong people yeah…. But those same people you called your friends so? Your own little sister said stuff to me that I’d never repeat to anyone but you know everyone lied to go around a repeat what I said about you. Why? Idk. I didn’t care. I had a reason. And same with you.. you had reason but idk I was just trying to live my life. That’s all. You were the one who was shady from the start when I was being helpful. That’s I ever was… was helpful… and I kept getting shot down low to the ground like I never did a thing.. I would never get the same energy in return.

But also said that I shouldn’t let her actions affect mine… how? We work and live together…. Like really 😂😂😂 I laughed inside. Every week it was almost missing work so how doesn’t that effect me and you getting upset that you didn’t asked for much? Lolol ok girl.

I know I do a lot more for dean but I know he loves me and appreciates me. He’s never acted different or always about himself… when I was always acting selfless with you and helping anyway I could. He does a lot for me and I’m so grateful.

I’d like to know where we would be if you chose me. Where we would be if you just came back to me. You kept leaving me and I was loosing myself because I wanted so badly to make it work. I couldn’t talk to you because I had a fear of being too much but I wanted to make it work: I didn’t know if you actually felt that same way even though you told me. Part of me didn’t believe you. I love you too. I wanted to create with you. I anted you build with you. Go on adventures with you. Explore with you. But you just kept running away every time I would express any kind of emotion. So I gave up. I gave up on us because I needed to be there for me… when I needed you the most. I had to let go. I had to sit with all my nasty thoughts. I had get to know me. I had to learn to speak up even if it hurts. You may think that it was me all along but it wasn’t. It was you. Frankly I didn’t talk much about how I felt but you kept pushing me away.. any time I felt getting closer to you. And in the end I feel like I’m still apologizing to you. I never did anything wrong but be me. I understand that you had her. But at first you said to me not to fall for you. That this is what it is. I could leave at any time. But when she left you or you left her… there was complete silence the. We hooked up then you call me and tell me you love me? I loved you too.. but how? You told me to not get attached. I was but that’s confusing. You loved me? But you told me you don’t play like that. Was there something different about me? Or you had a fear you were going to lose me? Was I wrong for feeling this way? I blame me. I knew what I was getting myself into. But did you really love me? It was I just going to spend years just chasing you? Would you have done the same to me? Would I have been your girlfriend? Would I still just me a side piece? Because man there are so many things left unsaid and unknown…

But joe… I need to move on.. but I need some clousre.. I can’t keep doing this to myself.

Life can sure get you down sometimes

Let’s go back in time.. about 10 or so years.. I was 17!

It was cool I had a crush on him and I could talk to him about bands.. it was the coolest things back then I was geeked! I was so freaking happy.

I decided I would like share with some of my classmates I had a crush on him and make jokes. And be all cute and maybe annoying about it. Telling them we were talking about music and such

But some how someone had the good idea to tell someone that I thought that we were together. Never in my mind did that cross my mind

Somehow how it got back to my moms work. And my mom came and told me that this girl at work told her that I thought I was dating said teacher and honestly that never crossed my mind. I was just a teenager with a crush and I was talking to him how was that bad thing. My mom then told me that I had almost got him fired and I was embarrassed.

Want to know what happened next? The very next day?

I got called down to the office and they told me it was wrong and I needed to get over my crush right away that’s all it will ever be. Duh… I knew that. I liked him and I liked talking to him. I didn’t see a problem and it wasn’t like he was being inappropriate. We weren’t at all.

But being that good person I am. Although I knew it would be awkward and uncomfortable I went up to him and I told him sorry. I don’t know what happened. And walked away. It was so very awkward but I couldn’t live it down. I would feel bad.

Some how I think they were being over dramatic because I never said anything about anything other than we were talking at school and I would go talk to him before class sometimes about music and how he was doing or I would walk by his classroom and say good morning.

So then my mom told me she was so embarrassed of what happened that she quit her job. She told me I made her quit because of what I did but I didn’t do anything but be me.

All while my mom wouldn’t believe me and that’s what hurt the most. I would get crushes on these older guys back then but for her to believe that I would think that. She always believed everyone else over me. 😞

I understand that younger version of me would get crushes on these dudes hard core but like it didn’t ever go further. It was a crush. I can’t be geeked over someone. I looked up to him. I sometimes went over board but not in ways it showed. It would be more like I’d look up there socials. But these days everyone does it.

There’s something inside of me that I need to heal or I need to meditate… every on the outside is good but on the inside I just feel off I can’t explain to anyone and I don’t say it out loud but I just feel off like this isn’t the path for me but then universe shows me signs I am. Am I not living my life fulling in the present. Are there things I’m not willing to let go and release for good.

Welll I just had a reading done last night and I was right: I need to stop being so in my head. Be more in the present: my spirit guides talk to me and I don’t trust it when I know I should I don’t know what this was written but I was right on that!

Dear dad, I never really knew you. I pushed back the memories I had of you so far back… I made myself believe you were just a dream and I never met you. It started to make it easier to deal with never really knowing you. Maybe that will always be a missing piece of myself.

Sometimes I sit back and think if we had a relationship would you actually be proud of the women I have become or I would be to this way or to that way.

I just remember around the last time or times I seen you I had anxiety because I didn’t know what to expect… would I get the high dad or will I get sober dad (or Russ) or sperm donor.

Because in that time in my life I always had anxiety and I didn’t know how to get out of it and low I do. I spent my whole trying to run away from it.

Racing thoughts as an 8 year old. I still have those same thoughts sometimes today at almost 30

Sometimes a feeling washes over me that I never do enough. I should be further with my life. It’s almost like I’m meant for more than this… like a career and not just a job. I just don’t know where to start because I’ve never really been into much besides tarot and astrology. I’ve never had any hobbies growing up or anything. Maybe I’m the only one that feels like this but idk at almost 30 I thought that I’d almost have it somewhat figured out…

I’m Not saying I’m not happy. I am happy and blessed. 🥰😇

Just some 2:40am thoughts.

I am grateful for all I have and I am so high right now I just want him to cuddle me. I feel weird and I don’t feel like in my own body… do I really dispersonalize idk trying to go t sleep but can’t cause my thoughts

I grew up with a dad that wasn’t really around then my parents split up and my mom left my dad because of his addictions and in re turn my mom had them of her own… and I seen it as I grew up. And my mom would always put me down and call me crazy and that everything was my imagination. She would always bielve every ones word over mine… every damn time. And that in it self was crushing for me.

But in the midst of it all I rose above all her nonsense and for what it’s worth I’m the one it stops within my family.. it’s crazy and amazing and fucking hard as shit but I’m ok and I’m learning to be my own person

Do I have another life in the dream world because damn…or was I seeing thing from another persons perspective.. literally dreamt that I did all these crazy things and never knew about it.. like I got drunk and tried sleeping w a dude 15 yes older..& didn’t know I was doing all these things after I was confronted by someone telling me I’m a bad babysitter. Why would we do things your way when you keep doing all these things/ cause I said why don’t we go here first then do that we can free up space and if we have to stay at home for an hr to do laundry it will be fine.

Look you are a bad baby sitter and I know you mean well because you have a good heart but….

then I later asked why I’m such a bad babysitter. Come to find out I’ve been doing all these crazy things I have no clue I was doing and I was horrified and embarrassed.. ummm… decoding this dream is hard because I some of the things I did would not be things I’d do here on earth… in this life. So am I seeing the life of someone else.. a conversation someone else had.

Throwing pies

Breaking into my house

Graduation

Getting crazy drunk

Gonna go see mom

Texting Katy how much I love her.

I feel like I got a download or some shit…